Krypt3ia

(Greek: κρυπτεία / krupteía, from κρυπτός / kruptós, “hidden, secret things”)

THE 2018 INFOSEC KRAMPUS LIST

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THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE KRAMPUS PROCLAIMS!

On this night the following INFOSEC girls and boys are in need of his utmost sadistic attention for their transgressions!

 

Threat Intelligence Threatleaders:

Sweet Jesus stop with all your “I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT INTEL” because you fucking don’t! A majority of you that I have run into have no real IC background and couldn’t red team your ideas out of a wet paper bag never mind be able to determine what is and is not a nation state operation! Lemme give you a hint. The one’s who really know shit DON’T FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME TO  ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN OK?

PLEASE take your artisanal hand crafted BULLSHIT threat intelligence elsewhere and shove it up your collective chimneys!

 

Nord VPN: Masters of MILITARY GRADE ENCRYPTION!

Dear Nord, Krampus has seen your useless ad’s on CNN too much lately and wants to tell you here and now that; THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MILITARY GRADE ENCRYPTION WITHOUT A HARDWARE LAYER SPECIFICALLY FOR THAT PURPOSE AND EVEN THEN IT MEANS FUCK ALL!

YOU, Nord, are on my list FOREVER now. Stop trying to scare the grandparents into paying for your shitty VPN!

 

The Hacking Community Writ Large:

Krampus has a lot to say about the hacking community. Most of what he has to say cannot be translated into human language but understand that ALL of it is not good.

What the fuck is it with you people that you need to be the center of fucking attention all the time?

What the fuck is it with you people that you always think you are the fucking smartest people in the room ever?

What the fuck is it with you people to even THINK you have so many problems including, and Krampus cannot even fathom mouthing the words, PTSD from working in INFOSEC?

Get over yourselves and maybe go outside once and a while and talk to people outside your personal bubbles would ya?

Oh, and GROW THE FUCK UP!

Krampus say’s this every year and still you keep on keepin on being asshats!

EDIT! Krampus just also remembered the hubris of you all complaining about security and privacy in hotel rooms in Vegas. WHAT the FUCK were you people thinking? Were you thinking at all? There is no 4th Amendment right here. Sure, coming in on you naked and all is bad and scary but THINK THE FUCK AHEAD! YOU ARE SECURITY PROFESSIONALS RIGHT?

STOP WHINING.

 

NATSEC and INFOSEC Talking Heads:

Krampus watches a fair bit of news in his off hours between Krampusnachts and FUCK does he really hate all you fame whores seeking attention talking about shit you really have no idea about. If you are out there just to be on TV talking about shit ad nauseum to pimp your service or your new book…

Fuck you.

The people who do the things are off doing them and you are just masturbating on air.

 

The Gugq:

Speaking of people out of their lanes.

Just fucking stop man. The IC giggles and points when you talk about shit.

Stop.

Every time you say anything about OPSEC google that photo from the magazine of yourself with the pile of money and the drink.

There’s some OPSEC.

 

Blockchain Fuckwits:

NO BLOCKCHAIN IS NOT MY SAVIOR! NOR IS IT YOURS! DUDEBRO’S IT’S ALL FAKE MONEY!

STAHHHHHP!

 

Cyber War Salesman:

If Krampus get’s another pitch with the words cyber and war or cyberwar in it he will personally donkey punch you all.

There is no such thing. Stop trying to use it as a sales pitch for your shitty shitty products.

 

To All The Reporters I Have Loved Before:

Krampus still loathes you. You all will pay for your shitty deeds.

 

The “Cyber” Warriors:

See “cyber war salesman sic: it doesn’t exist”

 

Well, that’s it kids. Krampus is old and tired of all your fuckery but these were the winners this year. Of course damning a WHOLE “Community” is pretty epic and you guys never fail in letting ol’ Krampus down.

Till next year!

Krampus

Written by Krypt3ia

2018/12/05 at 21:46

Posted in Uncategorized

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