(Greek: κρυπτεία / krupteía, from κρυπτός / kruptós, “hidden, secret things”)

Darknet Mystery Boxes and UN-Boxing: Buying Mystery Boxes on Ebay and CLAIMING They Came From the SCARY SCARY DARKNET for Ad Revenue!

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Spooky Darknet BOXES!!!

Lately I have become more of a YouTube junky than I ever have been. This means that I have been pluming the depths of the derp in the YouTubes as well as looking at cool documentaries that get posted there on History and the like. Lately though, I have been watching these “Top 5/10/15” channels with weird things like found footage posts and other oddities, ya know, the urban legends kind of shit. Well, once I started getting into that it was only fate that I would be presented with a whole bunch of videos around “Dark Net MYSTERY Boxes!”


If you are not familiar with this whole craze, the story is that in the deepest and darknets of darknets there are places where you can cough up cash (bitcoin) for mystery boxes that will be shipped to you and contain strange and spooky shit! This then, once delivered to you, the intrepid YouTuber will “unbox” that strange shit for you LIVE on cam! Often these people suit up in surgical gloves and masks and eagerly open these mystery boxes only to find random strange shit in them that often is supposed to make you think they have either been cursed or been sent a serial killers kit of tools.


A prime example of this dipshittery is Ali H a YouTuber who claims to have spent one thousand dollars on a “darknet mystery box” for his channel and opened it on camera. While rummaging around in it he claims to have felt a stick and pinch only to pull out a syringe complete with needle! It’s here that I have to call out some things, first off, if this guy actually bought some rando box of stuff off of “the darknet” well, then where is he getting that kind of money to do stupid stuff like this? Second, what the hell is he doing sitting in front of the camera if this is indeed a random box of stuff he did not put in there himself and did not really get a needle stick on? I would think that he would have shut that camera down and went straight to the E.R. with that needle and the story to start some tests!

*swigs whiskey*

Which then makes me wonder, is this guy faking it all for clicks? Or is there some money to be made here with these kinds of stories? Now, in looking at his video there were no ads, so, he is not making money off of advertising on his channel that I can see. He does have some other channels like an instagram and such, but I am not seeing any other revenue streams here. Well, he does have a “business inquiries” email address though… Business? What business is that? Opening darknet boxes for profit? TV hosting? Being a millennial idiot?

So yeah, if this guy has a grand to drop on some darknet mystery box and is not making some money on this somehow I can easily show you a fool who was parted with his money as the old adage goes. But ok, so what if there is no money in it? What if he really did not spend ANY money on this box that he packed himself and opened on air? Well, then WHY is he doing it? Well, that’s a good question and in the age of social media I am going to go with likes, clicks, and internet fame! Yup, indeed we as a society have gone full reality TV online as well as on air. I mean, this one video here is even trying to imply that this guy could DIE from buying and intrepidly braving the darknet to buy and open this spooky box! In reality, if I were this guy and really got a box that gave me a needle stick that could potentially lead to life threatening illness I’d be on the phone toot suite with the USPS and the cops about an incident.

This guy, nah, he just looks like a stuck dull eyed cow into the YouTube machine hoping for clicks, comments, and “business inquiries”…


In fact while looking over the plethora of spooky mystery box channels I see many of them have no ads, but instead have other channels where they are asking for anything from bitcoin donations to hawking their own merch to keep their channels going. I mean, hell, YOU GOTTA have the bank to buy these $500, $600, $5000  mystery boxes man! What’s even more galling is that people on the other side of the screen believe this stuff! Honestly, have we devolved that much that we have an era where Slenderman and mystery boxes are “real” to people who watch a video online?

No wonder we are in the mess we are in with fake news and russian disinformation! We need to start teaching logic and ethics STAT!

There are no “Darknet Mystery Boxes”

Kids, listen close, get closer, sit by the cyber fire here… I have something to tell you. There is no such thing as a “darknet mystery box”

Trust me, I know, I live in the darknet…

*baleful stare*

In fact, I have searched high and low as others have done on the darknet forums and not one mystery box can be found for sale.


Don’t believe me? Well look above here and take it from a minion of the darknet on  a post IN THE DARKNET!!



So yeah, they don’t exit on the forums but they DO exist on Ebay! In fact while looking at these I do not even see any for sale for that alleged 5k… Hmmmm… Gee, I must not be in the right place huh? Maybe I need to go further down into the Marianas Web huh? If I do I better harden my system, I mean the pressure in the Marianas is a brazillion pounds per square inch right?

Nah, I shall just stay in the surface darknet I guess because THE DARKNET MYSTERY BOX IS A LIE KIDS! Don’t believe these numbnuts on YouTube and certainly don’t give them money for this fakery!


Ugh.. and I thought Russian disinfo was bad…

I’m gonna just go drink in the corner here kids.


Written by Krypt3ia

2018/09/06 at 13:39

Posted in DARKNET

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