Krypt3ia

(Greek: κρυπτεία / krupteía, from κρυπτός / kruptós, “hidden, secret things”)

The 2017 Krampus List!

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A personal note from Krampus

HELLO children, It’s that time of the year again where Uncle Krampus comes to from a long whiskey induced somnambulist coma to bring you all the beatings you all deserve! This year while I slept you all managed to continue to stoke the fuckery fires, so much so that Krampus feels a little singed from the white hot stupid you all have wrought. Whether it be the INFOSEC community at large or the government and corporate entities, you all have managed to fuck things up pretty god damned epically! So sit down and prepare for a CAT5 cat-o-nine cable flailing for your INFOSEC SINS!

I know I will enjoy it…

*Takes out flask and takes a long pull of 12 year old Whiskey*

Cheers fuckers!

UBER:

Oh Uber, it seems when you are not fucking over your non employee “drivers” you found the time to cover up a hack and pay a ransom to boot! WOW you fuckers are a real bunch of assholes aren’t you!? Krampus has a special place in the DATA LAKE OF FIRE for you all to spend eternity in! I mean it takes a special kind of company and corporate governance to do all these things AND to steal IP from another company!!

WOW… Just WOW.

I suppose I may have to fight my cousin Lucifer to have custody of you but I think he will understand I have primacy on this one because INFOSEC.

 EQUIFAX:

Equifax…. Oh Equifax… YOU HIRED A MUSIC MAJOR WITH NOT ONE LICK OF SECURITY EXPERIENCE TO BE THE CISO?

REALLY?

YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!

HOLY FUCK you guys are going to the DATA LAKE OF FIRE too! What kind of special finishing school does the CEO have I wonder? YOU FUCKS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OUR WOES TODAY!

Ok ok ok, I can’t hang “President Trump” on you but JESUS FUCK! I mean come on! YOUR WHOLE BUSINESS IS PREDICATED ON PROTECTING THE PCI AND PII DATA YOU FUCKERS AND YOU HAD ADMIN/ADMIN AS THE PASSWORD TO THE FUCKING DMZ BOX THAT THE HACKERS USED TO GET TO THE BACK END! FUCK THAT THEY DIDN’T EVEN NEED THE BACK END BECAUSE YOU WERE SAVING ALL THAT DATA IN THE FUCKING DMZ UNENCRYPTED!

An abattoir is too good for you you fucking asshats…

 DOD:

*squints and looks balefully*

The Department of Defense.. You do know that you are responsible for the “defense” of things right? WELL WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PUTTING THE INTEL IN THE S3 BUCKET UNSECURED???

DO YOU EVEN INTERNET BRO?

I am sure though the Russkies and the Chinese thank you for your “efforts” and laugh as they plumb the depths of the RED DISK

Fuckwits.

 THE NSA:

*sigh*

The “National Security Agency” … Krampus isn’t feeling too secure this year with all the shit you guys lost. I mean Krampus has watched in horror as your shit was used to attack EVERYONE because you were all too busy getting hard on’s and masturbating to pwning shit while NOT PAYING THE FUCK ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN SIX!

Ok ok ok, there may be a mole but JESUS FUCK with that contractor who took a METRIC SHIT TON OF CLASSIFIED DATA HOME AND SNOWDEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN COUNTER INTEL?

SPEND SOME FUCKING CYCLES ON SECURING YOUR OWN SHIT AND STOP FUCKING US ALL OVER!

 THE CIA:

*peers at the Wikileaks VAULT 7*

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG  WITH YOU PEOPLE AND ALL THESE FUCKING SILLY CODE NAMES!

CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!

Oh, and stop losing shit too! Do some counter intelligence shit guys!

 WIKILEAKS:

Jules.. Baby.. I AM GONNA FUCKING COME OVER THERE AT 4 THE FUCK IN THE MORNING AND PULL THAT FUCKING FIRE ALARM MYSELF YOU RUSSIAN APPARATCHIK!

 THE INFOSEC COMMUNITY:

Here’s where Krampus is gonna make the children in the community moan and wail… Giggity.

LOBBYCON:

Right, ok, let Krampus get this straight.. You go to a security conference just to hang around the lobby because you couldn’t get a ticket and even if you did, the con sucks anyway but you wanna hang around the lobby and fuck around getting stupid drunk…

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Look, if you want to go to a conference great. If you get bored, fine go hang out in the lobby or for fucks sake go explore the city you are in! But FOR FUCKS SAKE DON’T BUY A HOTEL ROOM AND AIRFARE TO JUST GO SIT IN A FUCKING LOBBY LIKE A HOOKER YOU IDIOTS!

READ A BOOK!

GO OUTSIDE!

DO SOMETHING ELSE THAN BE A FUCKING POSER IN THE LOBBY!

It’s just sad…

 The CULT OF SECURITY PERSONALITY:

Security Rock Stars…. You people are just fucking deluded. The height of this shit came this last summer I hear when someone got popped by the FBI and suddenly everyone was fighting “the man” because this guy couldn’t have done anything because he is an INTERNATIONAL SECURITY ROCK STAR HERO NEWLY MINTED!

Then you look into his history and you say one fucking word that maybe he did it and JESUS FUCK YOU ARE A BAD BAD PERSON AND OMG YOU SHOULD BE EXCOMMUNICATED!

Fuck you all.

Very much.

WAKE UP AND GROW UP YOU FACILE MINDED FUCKWITS!

COMMUNITY SEXUAL PREDATORS:

Krampus has a special place for all you fuckers. You know who you are…. And now so does the general public!

 AJIT PAI:

YOU YOU FUCKING TRUMP TOADIE FUCK! YOU NEED TO EAT A BAG OF IoT DILDO’S AND CHOKE ON IT YOU FUCKING CHOAD!

Krampus is watching you and all your little corporate friends who are gonna wreck Net Neutrality you fucks.

A reckoning will come.

 EUGENE:

DA! YOU KGB FUCKER! 

So, lost that market share yet? Krampus can’t wait until you are finally caught “red handed” with data you guys were mining with your AV product in the Shadowbrokers shit.

TWITTER:

Krampus has a special place in his BLACK BLACK HEART for you Twitter and especially you @Jack. Your fuckery around the whole POTUS account especially deserves a special room of ass poking with a rather large IoT dildo which has a special API to the internet for all the kids to control and abuse.

Fuck you.

Oh and for all the NAZI apologist shit too.

 FACEBOOK:

Zuck, Zuuuuuuuck, YOU FUCKER! You win the asshole prize every god damned day. THANK YOU FOR FUCKING UP THE ELECTION WITH YOUR SHITTY ALGO’S AND FUCKED UP SALES IN RUBLES, IN FUCKING RUBLES! TO THE TROLL FACTORIES THAT FUCKED THE ELECTION.

ASSHOLE.

I hope those Hawaiian’s you are fucking out of their land rise up and slay you.

 VERIZON:

Krampus looks forward to the next breach report with you in it!

“Trusted source”

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DELOITTE:

2FA or GTFO you idiots! COME ON!

 

 

Welp, that’s it kids… I am sure the lamentations from the community section will be sufficiently amusing. Krampus could have gone on more but really, there isn’t enough whiskey in the world to make that happen.

Till next year.

K.

Written by Krypt3ia

2017/12/05 at 19:54

Posted in KRAMPUS

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