Krypt3ia

(Greek: κρυπτεία / krupteía, from κρυπτός / kruptós, “hidden, secret things”)

THE 2016 INFOSEC KRAMPUS LIST!

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2016-infosec-krampus

“THE BUTT HURT IS REAL”

A Note from Krampus….

Well kids it has been one hell of a fucking year for Krampus and he is feeling pretty god damned angry so you all better gird your loins for a good nut-sacking! Last year Krampus managed to get all the butt-hurt en fuego because he posted raw data and made the community look at their own shit. This year he sourced the nominations to the Krampus INFOSEC star chamber (you all know who you are and why you are wearing the hoodies when you voted!) but the general sense was that the aphorism of “None of us is as bad as all of us” is quite appropriate. To that end, Krampus is still fucking pissed with all of you really. You all, as a ‘community’ suck and you should stop thinking you are all special rock star INFOSEC snowflakes.

All of you con whores need to stop.

All of you Rock Stars need to get a life.

If you only care about breaking shit… Well… Fuck you. Hug a blue teamer so they can stab you in the spleen.

I guess Krampus just wants to quote Shatner here:

You know, before I answer any more questions there’s something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I’ve spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled… y’know… hundreds of miles to be here, I’d just like to say… GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it’s just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you’re dressed! You’ve turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!

Grow the fuck up!

Ok now that Krampus has that off his plate, on to the Krampus list 2016!

Gubment:

JESUS FUCKING FUCK! As if the government’s current approval rating of 17% overall wasn’t bad enough they still have not clue one how to secure shit! 2016 was a fuckfest of data loss and cyber fuckery! Take heart though kids… 2017 under Der Trumpler will be EVEN WORSE!

DEM’s:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! could you guys please not have all your email and databases on systems secured by the local village idiot for a fucking change? What the fuck people? Watching all your email sprayed upon Wikileaks like so much CYBER JIZZ was enough for me to just pine for Putin’s shock troops to parachute in like in RED DAWN!

WOLVERINES!

GOP:

Allowing Putin’s re-constituted KGB do your cyber war dirty work was spectacular really but FUCK YOU.

OPM:

BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

YOU FUCKING OUTSOURCED YOUR TECH TO CHINA AND CHINA HACKED YOU!

BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

PS..

Dear China,

You now have Krampus’ SF-86 and YET he has not had an attempt by some SWALLOWS to turn me? WHAT THE FUCK? Come on!

Yours,

Krampus.

DHS

YOU are on the list because you sit there like a turkey in a rainstorm while all our CYBER shit goes to hell.

Krampus hates you with the force of a nuclear explosion.

NSA

Krampus first would like to say that he is often times just injecting shit into the stream to cause your SIGINT to be shitty.

Secondly, Krampus would like to say ENJOY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION UNSHACKLING AND PWNING ALL THE THINGS WHILE LISTENING TO US ALL ON THE COLLECTIVE CAN TAKING A GIANT SHIT!

THIRDLY, Krampus would like to say that your loss, carelessly, of those tools this year… JESUS FUCK! WHY NOT JUST PUT IT ALL ON THE DARKNET FOR BITCOIN HUH?

FBI: Director Comey

JIMMY! JIMMY BOY! what the ever loving fuck man? First your moaning over crypto then this whole thing with emails and fucking up elections? Extra flailing for you!

Individuals:

Jake Applebaum

JAKE,  your room in hell has been furnished and is ready to go. The giant drill dildo that has a perpetual spray of ghost pepper is Krampus’ idea and Lucifer approved. Ride it like you stole it you fucker.

ASSange

OH YOU NARCISSISTIC CYBER DOUCHE FUCKER! KRAMPUS HOPES THAT YOUR PSYCHE DEGRADES FURTHER AND FURTHER AS YOU WASTE AWAY IN YOUR LITTLE HOVEL. YOU FUCKING KBG ASSET.

Hillary

HILLY! HIL, HILLSTER! WHAT THE FUCK? You are a smart woman and yet you fuck up the most simple things around email?

Welp… There you go… Krampus hopes that your BLEACH BIT of your history goes better than your classified data mishandling and email fuckery!

TOILET SERVER FOR THE WIN! … OOPS.

Corporations:

UGH, Krampus hates you all really but a few of you stood out in your cyber shit speaking and douchery! Generally though, the business of security has only doubled and tripled down on the fuckery. If Krampus really cared he could have a whole screed but he is just too shagged out over the community anyway to give a proper fuck!

YAHOO

YOU FUCKING KNEW YOU WERE HACKED IN 2014 AND YOU DID WHAT?

OH YEAH,

FUCKING NOTHING!

Facebook (aka FaceCult)

ZUCK! ZUCKY! YOU PERFUMED PERSONAL INFORMATION PORNO VAMPIRE! NOW YOU ARE BREAKING INTO FAKE NEWS!

FUCKING STELLAR!

SHITBAG.

Symantec Buys Lifelock!

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guess it is one way to make money of your shitty product…

The Media:

Shitty Reporters (general)

Krampus saw and is still seeing some truly shitty reporting on the “cybers” out there. It is still playing out with reporters not talking to experts on a thing but then again it is the new age of there not being such a thing as facts so I guess fuck it all.

THIS douche really really really got shit wrong this year in the cyber. He is on Krampus’ list for some special treatment.

NEVER TAKE SHIT OUT OF CONTEXT OR LISTEN TO ANONYMOUS SOURCES SELLING YOU A SHITTY NARRATIVE WITHOUT LIKE DOING REPORTER SHIT AND VERIFYING THINGS YOU SHITSNACK.

Wikileaks

OH WIKILEAKS….

Krampus had hopes for you but he always knew that you would become nothing more than an arm of propaganda for whatever intelligence service decided to use you. WHO KNEW it would be Russia? Oh yeah, ASSange did because he is their boy!

Die in a fire you propagandist fuckwits.

Written by Krypt3ia

2016/12/05 at 14:08

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