Krypt3ia

(Greek: κρυπτεία / krupteía, from κρυπτός / kruptós, “hidden, secret things”)

YES YOU TOO CAN BUY A 1 KILOTONNE SUITCASE NUKE IN THE DARK NET! (Ok no not really)

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screenshot-from-2016-09-21-09-04-22

So I was surfing the darknets as is my wont to do every morning to see what the kids are up to and this site popped up that claimed they had Russian nulcear hardware for sale. What else is a guy like me to do with a site like this than to say FUCK YEAH! LEMME IN AND LEMME BUY SOME! I did the sign up process (Of course I signed up all super sekret like using the name SPECTRE) and immediately took a look at the wares! These guys have a few options on their “products” page and gee, it was hard to choose from the offerings as they are all super cool.

screenshot-from-2016-09-21-09-34-06My account (SPECTRE)

screenshot-from-2016-09-21-09-08-29

As you can see I have three options for types of nukes and how they would be deployed. I opted for the “Suitcase Nuke” because who hasn’t wanted one of those right? AM I RIGHT? I am right right? Anyway, the other options are a land based “Iskander” system (like the one in Spies Like Us) or a Sub based “Bulava” missile evidently already deployed and laying in wait off the coast of somewhere within a weeks distance according to the details. Each of these options has only regional capacity and the suitcase nuke is the most portable so there is that… Anywho, I forged forward and decided that $50 MILLION dollars was just ducky as prices go and that I could pony up the requisite bitcoins. (As seen below)

screenshot-from-2016-09-21-09-27-4150 million in bitcoins please!

screenshot-from-2016-09-21-09-28-10YES YES YES WHEN DO I TAKE DELIVERY ALREADY???

screenshot-from-2016-09-21-09-28-43

NOW, even though I did not see a bitcoin address here I JAMMED that enter button and eagerly awaited the response!

Wait, did I put in my bitcoin wallet?

SHIT!

FAIL!

GOD DAMMIT DARKNET!

CODE ERROR!

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Ugh.. I am disappoint.

I have written a PGP encrypted, tersely worded email to their helpdesk…

Dammit. Guess I will have to go order some Polonium 210 or Red Mercury in Silk Road III or is it like VII now?

Dr. K.

Written by Krypt3ia

2016/09/21 at 14:23

Posted in Amused, DARKNET

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