It All Started With An Unsolicited Email: TAKING THE FIGHT TO MALICIOUS CYBER ACTORS!
“It all started with an innocuous enough direct message from “Deep Cyber Throat” the digital informant to my cyber Mulder….
Once I opened the file it became freakishly clear that this was no ordinary doctrine document. No, this document was a work of sadistic art that had to be exposed to the cyber sunlight to hopefully eradicate the derp that was festering within.”
Holy WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS THIS SHIT? I was agog reading just the first paragraph. My mind had frozen like a Windows machine trying to use Outlook on a Monday morning. My mind vapor locked just at the Steve Austin ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ quote. This had to be a joke, my fore-brain fought with my lizard brain vacillating between fear, rage, and sense. I turned away from the bright screen and grabbed the whiskey bottle, took a deep draught. This was going to require a blind drunk bender for me to survive reading this drech.
I read on….
Hectoring? HECTORING? Really? So the NSA hacking all the things and spying on all the things and oh, destroying nuclear capabilities with STUXNET is just hectoring? Wow this guy is a real mental genius, heavy on the mental! Say, would this maybe be Richard Bait-Lick ghost writing this for this shmuck? I will say though that he is almost right on the whole passive defense thing but then he just goes back off the rails into deep fuckery territory. So tell me, where did the internet touch you sir? In all your no no places?
It was at this point I really came to understand that this man’s legal degree came from a mill somewhere on the internet. “We have the legal capability to offensively engage malicious actors” What? Who? Us? The populace? Are you fucking kidding me? He goes on in ever more prosaic and derpy terms how the government is hindering our, the people’s right to hack back and the laws are asinine.
Whoa dude.. Chill….
Really? Say, how many cyber guns do you have in your CYBER BUNKER? I read on…
…and then it hit me… Letters of Marque…. YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I BE A PIRATE OF THE CYBER SEAS!
Crowd sourced investigations?
CYBER SHERLOCK HOLMES?
JESUS FUCK NO! HAVE YOU SEEN REDDIT? DID YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID WHEN THE BOMBINGS HAPPENED IN BOSTON?
NO! FUCK NO!
I have an idea, why don’t we just give all the chimpanzee’s in the world guns and be done with it huh?
My mind was in a near vegetative state by this point. I had run out of whiskey and my head had sustained a subdural hematoma from all the head desks that had occurred. I was not seeing straight but I pushed on…
It was then I realized that this idiot was the man who wanted to Balkanize the internet. Yeah, sure, let’s de-anonymize everyone and let’s make the internet tiered into a cyber apartheid system. Sure! Great idea!
FULL DOCUMENT WEAR HELMET WHEN READING OR PREPARE FOR BRAIN DAMAGE!
My mind is still broken from reading this 33 page… “document” If anyone comes into contact with this man please stop him from doing more cyber damage to our cyber world.