OMG CYBER CSI!
So you all know me, I had to go and download CSI Cyber just to see. I mean, I couldn’t resist because I am a masochist and I knew that this would be a terrible show so I had to see it! Well I am happy to report that none of you were wrong, this is in fact one of the worst shows on television and it’s not just because it is all about the OMG CYBER! There are a whole host of issues with this show and I just wanted to share with you all my personal review. So strap yourselves in, put on your sturdiest CYBER HELMET, and prepare for a heaping helping of WTF.
The show starts off with the kidnapping of a baby and some nonsense about voices coming from a nanny cam. The case comes across the lead investigator’s email and she immediately goes to her boss and says that any criminal action that includes electronics make it a CYBER CRIME! No, really, she says this and thus a plot line is born! The feebs then take over the case and use shiny bags to take away laptops and phones. They use what they call “Faraday Bags” and have the nifty graphic above to show signals bouncing off the bag PEW PEW PEW! (eat your hearts out Norse!)
It was in this moment that the plots sub sub plot of CYBER PSYCHIATRY comes to play. The main character ( Avery Ryan ) who is loosely based on the “creator/SME” of the show Mary Aiken one of the loopiest people I have looked at online. She claims she is a “Cyber Psychiatrist” whatever the fuck that is. Let me just set you all straight, there is no such thing as a “Cyber Psychiatrist” There are Psychiatrists who maybe deal with technology issues and pscyhology and psychiatry but there is no cognitive DSM V sub speciality that I am aware of. In short, she is making shit up as she goes. I may go into a full rant on this later on, but sweet jeebus she is as much a Cyber Psychiatrist as the Scorpion Crew is an elite red team in reality ok?
Next let’s talk tech because I know you all want to! CYBER CYBER CYBER! Blinky lights and holodecks for everyone! This show does not let us down in this area either. There is so much shiny blinky light material that if you are epileptic you should really consider watching it with shades. The highlights of all this is the above image from the uberl337 hax0r showing that malware always shows up as RED TEXT on ADA and more often than not actually calls itself MALWORM! As I was morning drunk tweeting watching this farce I managed to start a bit of a dialogue with some who complained that they did not get all of our attitudes about the tech being right at all because it’s TV FOR FUCKS SAKE! Well, Ian, yes, yes it is and really we should not really worry ourselves about this in reality. I guess some of us all care too much or live it too closely. In my case I don’t really care beyond the possibility that this shit will bleed into our real lives as dumbasses think that this is all reality from watching entertainment TV. I will once again point to the CSI Effect and just say I hope this kind of shit does not happen in the court room because of shit like this is all.
OMG CYBER ATOMIC SOMETHING SOMETHING!
At the end of the day I just have to report that this show is sucktastic. The acting is wooden, the dialogue is horrendous, and the subject matter is wholly unbelievable. Well, unbelievable for someone who actually works in psychiatry, technology, hacking, acting, cinematography, etc. This is the turdliest of unflushable turds that CBS has grunted out of its collective anus in a while.
For my part I LOVED the original CSI because it was new and it was fun. I used to sit watching it with a REAL SCIENTIST who cringed as much as we all do about the OMG CYBER today so it is not just our group of peers that have issues with the Hollywood-izaton of their careers. Though I knew that the tech was not accurately portrayed made no difference because it was fun and the chemistry/writing worked. As soon though as Grissom left so did I. It has been pathetic to watch CBS continue to flail the dead corpse of CSI through the David (flip sunglasses down the nose) Caruso years to the Cheer’s OMG MY HAIR GREW BACK INTO A POMPADOUR Ted Danson travesty.
No more please.
Please FUCKING STOP!
*hangs head.. CSI CYBER!*
Welcome to CBS TV where we make shitty SHITTIER!