CYBER KRAMPUS’ INFOSEC NAUGHTY LIST 2014
None Of Us Is As Dumb As All Of Us
The 2014 Krampus INFOSEC Naughty List!
Well kids, it’s that time of year again and the voting has finished! So this year instead of Santa sharing his naughty list he decided to give you all to Krampus for a little love and attention! So, without further ado here’s who Krampus will be visiting with his CAT-5-O-Nine Tails!
Threat Intelligence Firms:
What can a Krampus say about Threat Intelligence firms huh? I mean you guys are all up in the APT shizzle and bringing the righteous intelligence to the masses right? ….”Yeah, not so much really.” Is the Krampus reply to that one. Look, you guys are technical wizards with your reversing-n-shit but really, Krampus feels you are all missing the point.
Arguments about attribution aside, you are now the new Red Team’s of the DFIR world. You get to be rock stars reversing and pointing at the malware firmament all the while you miss the key point that what you are all having a huge blue pill hard on about means very little to the masses. Whoopdee freakin doo that Sandworm hacked Nato and the KGB got their fill of data! Yes, sure, geopolitically it’s important and all and sure, the news media suck your collective cocks when you drop a dookie.. I mean “report” full of attribution on China but really, how are you helping to defend the common man here? The way Krampus see’s it all you guys do is point at shit that ALLREADY FUCKING HAPPENED!
NO REALLY! KRAMPUS IS REALLY REALLY PISSED THAT EVERY TIME HE PATCHES HIS SERVER IN THE CAVE YOU GUYS FUCKING POINT OUT SOME NEW SHIT THAT YOU COULDN’T HAVE SEEN COMING ALREADY FROM THE LAST SHIT? COME ON!
It’s time to stop dicking around and come up with some useful shit as well as maybe teach your clients about real intelligence cycles and how to apply what you drop on them huh? Krampus is displeased! He would beat you with the CAT-5-O-Nine tails but you’d fucking like it you sick fucks!
Oh, and China called and they said GET OFF THEIR LAWN!
CAVALRY & Tent Revivals
Cavalry… HOLY WHAT THE FUCK! Krampus really hated the early tent revival period back in the day and now it’s gone all IOT and shit? WTF! Krampus saw that in the Wordle Cav and a certain spokesperson got a lot of votes and man did he spit and swear when he saw it. Look Cav folks, we don’t need the pablum of your constant cavalcade of ERMEGERD THE FUCKING SKY IS GONNA FALL SOMEDAY BECAUSE YOUR FRIDGE WILL CONNECT TO THE INTERNETS AND THEN KILL YOU!!!
ENOUGH ALREADY! Look if it isn’t the fucking APT’s all up in our shit it’s you guys saying ERMEGERD WE CAN HEAL YOU! Just sit back and take stock and stop playing politics. Krampus swears every time he thinks about you he prays for Apophis speedy arrival to smash this planet into space rubble!
*Krampus stares balefully at you all* FUCK! FUCKING FUCK FUCKITTY FUCK THIS IS SO GOD DAMNED STUPID! Look, you all need to get past this word and get real ok? This word has become used so much to mean so many fucking stupid and useless things that Krampus wants to just rip your heads off and shit down your neck hole’s when he hears you use it!
THERE IS NO CYBER. THERE ARE NETWORKS AND COMPUTERS. THERE’S AN INTERNET, IT’S NOT THE FUCKING CYBERNET! 1980 CALLED AND THEY WANT THEIR WARGAMES MOVIE BACK OH FUCKING KAY?!?!?
Clueless & Cheap Corporations:
Where shall Krampus begin on this… Where.. Wait…There’s an image coming to mind.. Wait for it… It’s orange and brown.. It’s fuzzy.. OH YEAH IT’S A FUCKING HOME DEPOT LOGO! For fucks sake what the holy fuck?! How could you fuckers be so lacksadazical? STILL USING SEP 11 IN 2014? WHAT THE FUCK!?
Krampus is going to take all the corporate heads out there on the list, and it’s a fucking long one, and beat you all with the flail for your stupidity, your greed, and your sloth. Krampus was really really pissed when he saw the figure that within 2014 a BILLION records were stolen from companies like TARGET and Home Depot. In fact, every time he thinks about all of this he get’s all light headed and blacks out! It’s on all your heads when he wakes up with a dead hooker in his trunk after!! REMEMBER THAT!! IT’S. ALL. YOUR. FAULT!
Oh yeah… This one.. This one made Krampus smell colours which means petite mal baby! HOLY WHAT THE FUCK ORWELL HAD NO CLUE HOW BAD IT COULD BE! I mean Krampus really has use of Santa’s tools to look in on all the bad little girls and boys but FUCKIN A he has nothing like what the NSA has!! What a bunch of creepy fucks!
Now Krampus is all in favor of not having terrorism killing people but really, you guys took this way to fucking far! All of the legal hair splitting and the over use of National Security Letters as well as classification really pisses him off! Oh and yeah, STOP LOOKING AT NAKED KRAMPUS YOU SICK FUCKS!
*turns on UV and sprays LUMINOL*
HOLY FUCK! STOP WANKING TO THAT SHIT!
NO! CYBERSEC IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN INFOSEC!
Krampus hates all the pedantry in the business. If you aren’t a part of the solution then you are part of the problem… (see below)
Marketing Marketing Marketing!
IF KRAMPUS HAD YOU ALL IN A ROOM HE WOULD BAR THE DOOR AND THEN SET YOU ALL ON FIRE!
The All of Us:
Sit down all you INFOSEC wankers, Uncle Krampus wants to have a chat with you all. First off, you all should know that he loves you all like he loves his favorite bit of ember from the fires of hell. However, he feels that it’s time for some tough love for you all. It seems that you all think you are smarter than everyone else and that you have THE solutions to the everything! Uncle Krampus is here to tell you that that isn’t the case and that you all should just back the fuck off and grab a steaming cup of humility now and again.
The short and curly here kids is that you are all the problem and like the saying goes “None Of Us Is As Dumb As All Of Us” and you all need to learn that. You all grouse, pose, and preen while Rome fucking burns while you pundit your collective selves about “communicating better” and lament how the users are just fucksticks. Well, while that is true, you all aren’t really making a difference are you?
Look, Uncle Krampus isn’t saying you all need to Kumbaya and hold hands, but he also isn’t saying you all aren’t a bunch of real fuckheads either. You all spend all your time with “ain’t it cool” bullshit and con’s that self aggrandize while the emperor within the corporations are naked and their employees are clicking every fucking thing twice in their email like Stimpson J. Cat and that candy apple red self destruct button! You all need to get your priorities straight.
So you all are the problem in security kids and Krampus has a beatdown for you all this Krampus Nacht.