The 2013 INFOSEC NAUGHTY LIST: DERPOCALYPSE VERSION
BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL LIKE TOXIC FARTS UNDER A BLANKET THAT’S WHY!
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It’s that time of year! Time for the INFOSEC NAUGHTY LIST! All of the below deserve our derision and mockery… Enjoy and know that they will all get a nice dollop of reindeer shit on their pillows come Christmas!
THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY
Well well well… We meet again NSA. I once thought that “Enemy of The State” was just a film, now it seems that it was a documentary really. I’m sorry, I do understand your charter and have in the past supported that. Today though post Patriot Act and GWOT silliness I just cannot any more. I am sorry for all those deluded into thinking that what you are all doing is protecting us all from terror. You have in fact sold us and the very laws we cherish that make us a free country out to fear and power mongering. Don’t fucking wrap yourselves in the flag, whip it out and fuck me in the ass while telling me “It’s for your own good”
POTUS aka BARACK OBAMA
You went into this promising all kinds of unicorns and fairy dust man. We should have all realized that it was too good to be true. However, when faced with such fucktardery as the TeaParty cum Republican party fuckery, well, we had no choice right? Since you are a constitutional scholar I had thought that you might not shred tht document in order to “protect” us all. I was wrong and this is my mea culpa.
Truly you believe the ends justify the means and someday you will be looked upon just as poorly as W who started the ball rolling…. Hang your head in shame.
CLAPPY! aka JAMES CLAPPER
DUDE! YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO LIE WITHOUT THE TELL’S MAN! or at least get someone else to lie for you.. Ya know like maybe Gen Alexander, he at least seemed to do a better job of that in the hearings.
GENERAL MIKE HAYDEN (RET)
Mike! MIKEY! I used to have some respect for you but those purple Kool-Ade stains around your mouth make you look like a clown. I think it’s time to just retire and blab some more on trains to reporters slamming the Administration.. Oh.. Wait you are doing that already…
REP MIKE RODGERS (R)
Dude, you are just full of shit. It’s your shitty performances in all of the secret squirrel meetings that perpetuates the “FEAR FEAR FEAR” fud that permeates our governing process today.
FORMER SENATOR JOE “DROOPY DAWG” LIEBERMAN
DROOOOOPY! DROOP! I am so glad you retired you wanker! You have no idea what you are talking about in the cyber world and yet you are deluded enough to think you are a grid security specialist and need to warn us all of the apocalypse! Go home and rock in your chair until what’s left of your soul just leaks away into the aether.
JANET “SCARED CHIPMUNK” NAPOLITANO
JANET! YOU WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE SECOND WORST LEADER OF A COMPLETELY DYSFUNCTIONAL AGENCY MEANT TO PROTECT US! CONGRATULATIONS!
STEPHEN HEYMANN, ASSISTANT U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS
Stephen, let’s just be plain in language and spirit here… You killed Aaron Swartz and you did so for your own perceived political gain. I hope that somewhere in your blackened stump of a heart you feel a pang of guilt over this.
JOHN “SECSTATE” KERRY
All I gotta say is “Hackers are nuclear weapons” Dammit man, you have not changed since I knew you on Beacon Hill… Moron.
THE CORPORATE SHILLS
MANDIANT & TAO SECURITY
What can I say about Mandiant and Tao? I mean you brought us the derp that is APT on the lips and hearts of every vendor out there selling their snake oil. Thank you just doesn’t cut it….
VAPORWARE AND DOUCHERY! An epic combo that will only land us in more trouble. You guys want to be the “Digital Blackwater” and man you certainly aren’t. Work harder!
EVERY VENDOR MENTIONING “APT” TO ANYONE
APT! APT! APT! THERE’S APT IN YOUR APT!! ZOMG THE APT’S ARE APT-ING IN YOUR SHIT!
EVERY VENDOR NOT ENCRYPTING YOUR DATA
“Trust us… We only have your personal data and your re-used passwords!” #fuckery
LINKEDIN & INTRO
“LINKEDIN WANTS TO BE THE NEW LOVE CHILD OF ZUCKY AND THE NSA! DON’T WORRY THOUGH THEY WON’T ENCRYPT ANYTHING SO IT’S ALL GOOD!”
ADOBE … ACTUALLY ANYTHING MADE FROM CLAY WOULD BE BETTER
Truly, being one of the most vulnerable pieces of software ever just wasn’t enough huh? You had to then not truly encrypt your clients passwords and get H4X0R3D by a bunch of fucktards. You win guys.. You win.
EDWARD J. SNOWDEN
On a slightly serious note I agree that the data had to be free. What has been shown to be happening is a paradigm change to the people. However, dude, I see you becoming the next ASSange and man NEVER GOES FULL ASSANGE! You are on thin ice. Just go back to the dacha and snuggle up to Anna man. Let it all get worked out by the reporters.
JEFF (NO! I’M THE JESTER!) BARDIN aka DERPSTONE71
Perhaps someday your love that may not be uttered will not scare the straights Jeff. Until then you just keep on keeping on being a masterful douchetard cog in the Jester wheel of derp.
WHIT3RABB1T …. YES AGAIN! SEEMS YOU JUST CAN’T KEEP A DERPSTER DOWN
… Oh and the same goes for you Rabbit. Remember if you suck too hard on the jokey cocks you only get bitch slapped. Honestly though, trying to make yourself relevant by hanging your hat on these jokers is just pathetic.
MARK “THERE IS NO PRIVACY” ZUCKERBERG … EXCEPT FOR MY FAMILY THAT IS!
ZUCKY! YOU FUCKER! YOUR DREAM OF A PRIVACY-LESS SOCIETY HAS COME! TOO BAD THOUGH YOU DIDN’T DO IT HUH? I AM SURE YOU ARE SOMEWHERE IN A CORNER ROCKING BACK AND FORTH MUTTERING “I AM IMPORTANT I AM IMPORTANT! I AM IMPORTANT!”
JULIAN “EXCUSE ME CAN I SLEEP IN YOUR BROOM CLOSET?” ASSANGE
JULES! I saw the film about you and I have to say you are still a douche. Oh, wait let me amend that “A messianic-ally deluded douche” sorry..
ONCE AGAIN, I OFFER 200 DOLLARS IN BITCOINS TO THE PERSON WHO PULLS THE FIRE ALARM AT THE ECUADOREAN EMBASSY IN LONDON. YOU CAN COLLECT AFTER JULES IS FLAGGED, TAGGED, BAGGED AND PUT ON THE HOOD OF A CAR.
PHOTOS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!
THE “DREAD PIRATE” ROBERTS V1 aka ROSS ULBRECHT
EVERY OTHER INFOSEC DRAMA QUEEN
Hmmm that’s pretty much all of us huh? Shit…
JOHN “LOOKOUT FOR THE TREE COPS!” McAFEE
JOHN!! LOOK OUT FOR THAT TREE COP BEHIND YOU! #BATHSALTS I personally think you had something to do with the death of your neighbor after the dogs got poisoned. Just my feeling though… Oh and yeah the likely bribery that went on with the authorities in both countries you fled from. You are one funny son of a bitch though I will give you that. Stay on YouTube.
11/22/2013 LATE ADDITION: Jeff Carr
Jeff, you have been steadily more douche-tastic this year. First it was all over the “CyberKillChain” bullshit and now you are hosting commentary from “alleged” government workers furthering your contention that a warning about the security of an important site was all about politics. What is worse is that said commentary paints the warning’s author as a Goebbels like propagandist. As far as I am concerned you win overall this year.
THE MEDIA WHORES
NATGEO for AMERICAN BLACKOUT
Well, it had to happen someday. National Geographic, an institution for so many years has now become the next FOX shilling out “WHEN GRIDS ATTACK!” WTF people? Your shitty program the other night was one of the WORST and hamfisted attempts to sell “Prepper” shows and supplies. If there were a U.N. sanction I could apply to this I would have you in the Hague now!
Oh Wired.. You try so much and yet you fail to deliver useful and thoughtful content most of the time. Of course the recent swiping (either unintentional or a version of some kind of idea lift from my blog) of content only makes it more sad really…
ROLLING STONE REPORTERS WHO ASK FOR INFORMATION AND SOURCES BUT DON’T ASK FOR QUOTES
You know who you are. Go find sources for yourself you lazy lout.