WEAPONS OF MASS INANITY: MIKE HAYDEN RETIRES BUT NEVER GOES AWAY
LADIES AND GENTS, THE NEW DOCTOR CYBERLOVE IS….
What is it Mike? Why do you feel you need to sit and smirk on panels while spinning more and more exotic fantasist tales about the terrible cyber future out there? For that matter why do you feel compelled to joke about putting Ed Snowden on a kill list? I mean, you are retired man! You should be somewhere warm with your wife, sitting on a porch sipping a warm beer and enjoying life. Instead you are making the rounds trying increasingly more boldly to steal Dr. Cyberlove’s (Richard Clarke) thunder? What is up with you man? I mean are you trying to sell services or some kind of security appliance to the masses now that you are on that sweet sweet government pension? Or is it that you are now able to be the center of attention and talk after being bottled up so long as a secret squirrel at NSA?
Well in any case you are taking THE PRIZE with this little story you told about “CYBER MASS SHOOTERS!!” WHOA dude you went completely plaid with this one! You have my attention at the very least! Well, that may not be so good though having my attention but I digress. Shall I tell the folks out there what I think about your little story?
*looks conspiratorially at the crowd and ushers them closer with an eyebrow waggle*
BOLLOCKS! It’s absolu-fucking-lutely bollocks my friend! Holy what the hell? Dude you are delusional and those panels that people are inviting you to increasingly are going to be comprised of you and Alex Jones having aneurysm fights.
ZOMG IT’S A CYBER MASS SHOOTER WITH METASPLOIT! TAKE COVER!
The fastest-growing cyber threat is from a kind of digital mass shooter, a deranged or outraged hacker able to obtain cyberweapons currently available only to nation-states and organized crime, a former senior U.S. intelligence official said Thursday.
“They’re just mad, they’re mad at the world,” said retired Air ForceGen. Michael Hayden. “They may have demands that you or I cannot understand.”
Mr. Hayden warned that within five years hackers “will acquire the [cyberattack] capabilities that we now associate with criminal gangs or nation states,” such as being able to conduct online sabotage of industrial control systems that run power plants, factories and utilities.
Looks at that statements over and over and over again always having the same vapor lock.. HOLY WTF? Who do you think invented this shit in the first place? The hackers, the criminals, and YOU GUYS Mike! I cannot fathom just how clueless Mike seems here. I mean, he was in charge of the NSA so how could he be so out of touch? Perhaps he has early onset Alzheimers? Did he eat the British beef in the 80’s?
Ok so yeah “cyber mass shooters” I am trying to stifle a giggle every time I say it in my head. I don’t think Mike has really thought this one through. Has he seen the hackers out there? Has he got a good grasp of the infrastructure as well that we have? I mean HOLY COW! First off, let’s look at the hackers. It would take a cabal to do what he is talking about. The only cabals I know of are the criminal gangs, the nation states, and maybe Anonymous. So yeah, it’s all groups Mike, not one sole hacker master mind. I mean really, we aren’t all Thomas Jane ya know..
*slips in Die Hard refence #score!*
Next we have the idea that one sole hacker is going to be able to attack the “infrastructure” in a way that will be able to take it down. Uh yeah Mike, I’m sorry but that is just not so easy. I mean, it’s not like all the power companies run all the same things and are all connected to the same subnet mmkay? No Mike, it will take nation state patience, money, and access to take down a section of the grid for example and cause mass annoyance. There will not be “mass casualties” as you allude to and what did you say.. “Dislocation”???
Following that stellar statement we have this claptrap about how the hacker can now have “cyber weapons” like those of the nation state. Let me disabuse you of this notion right now Mikey…
WE ALREADY HAVE THEM! AND WE ARE MAKING THEM EVERY DAY!
The derp on that statement makes me want to just punch some small furry critter in the nuts man. SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME MIKE!?!? Look, if you have a copy of Metasploit you are now actually, according to you Mike, A MASS CYBER SHOOTER! Your statement is infantile and it is the WORST type of fear mongering I have seen since your predecessor Dr. Cyberlove (aka Richard Clarke)
Lastly, let’s talk about this infinitely stupid comment about how the “mass cyber shooter” may have no “demands” that we can understand.
What? Just how many movies have you been watching since you retired man? I think you have some real misinformation in your head from watching one too many Die Hard movies my friend. Wow.. Just WOW man! I am in awe of your derp on this one and that is a hard thing for me to do. I am almost speechless here …. Well not really.
THE NEW MINISTRY OF FEAR
Finally I think Mike has envisioned a new “Ministry of Fear” for us all to cling to in troubled times. He will be in charge of the ministry and he will make the rounds to all of the appropriate places to spew his stories of “cyber mass shooters” to a ravening lame stream media machine. Your hopes I am sure, are that you and your pals can scare the straights into compliance with the NSA pogroms you and yours have been carrying out and are now in trouble over. As long as you keep the fear levels at the right height, you and your pals can keep on keepin on with the tacit approval from the people.
Mike, you’d be wrong.
The Ministry of fear will fail and as long as you are out there saying these epic derptastic things I will be here countering them on my measly little blog. So, for the news media I will now break this down into small bytes, which I will then puree into a nice baby food consistency for you to slurp down.
- There will be no singular cyber mass shooter it takes too much effort and coherence to pull something off like this.
- WE ALREADY HAVE THE TECH TO WREAK HAVOC I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN ANONYMOUS? MASS ANNOYANCE IS ALREADY HERE!
- If demands are made sure, you may have to look up some terms on Wikipedia or 4chan but hey, you will understand what “we” want so rest assured you will know.
- FINALLY: NO NO NO NO THE GRID WILL NOT COLLAPSE FROM A HACKER. THIS IS NOT A BRUCE WILLIS FILM! THE END IS NOT NYE.
God I need a drink…