(Greek: κρυπτεία / krupteía, from κρυπτός / kruptós, “hidden, secret things”)


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Welp, here I am again about to write yet another moron in the gubmnet speaking about computers and national security when they should just shut the fuck up. This time around it’s John Kerry, the new SECSTATE who opened his big stupid mouth in a confirmation hearing and uttered the following allusion to hackers today;

‘Foreign Hackers Are ’21st Century Nuclear Weapons’

*blink… twitch…rage*

John, buddy, I thought you were a bit of a bint when I knew you back in the Beacon Hill days but now you have really gone and done it. What the FUCK were you thinking? Were you thinking? Sometimes I just wish you people would take a step back and think about shit before you say it. You are wholly unqualified to make such a statement in the first place and here you are feeding that line of bullshit to the Senate committee who is confirming you? Tell me, did you also manage to completely control your gag reflex later on for the glory hole after the proceedings?

I heard this little bit of news on Twitter and thought; “Nah, they got that wrong.. No one would be THAT stupid as to say something like this” Sure enough I was wrong in thinking that. My bad I guess. You sir have taken the DERP award for the new year! It’s a nice award too because we have combined it with the “Jumping the Shark” award! It’s got this nice figure of Ira Winkler jumping a shark in a Fonzie pompadour while masturbating on the onlooking audience. I am sure it will go nicely in your new digs at State.


So, now it’s out there, this phrase likening all “hacking and hackers” to an arsenal of weapons of mass destruction and all we can do is look on in abject horror as these morons believe this shit. Really, you are going to compare and contrast someone DDoS’ing a site, stealing corporate data, or defacing a page to a nuclear all out fucking bomb? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMOKING? ….And can I have some? It’s gotta be some damn strong shit for you to be believing the words coming out of your mouth.

Seriously though this is just par for the course given the “Cyber 9/11” going around the government today I guess. The problem is that the body politic has completely abdicated any full grasp of the realities here and instead have decided to just run with the scary words and ideas in an attempt to scare the masses into submission. This is a shameful state of being and it bodes ill for us all more and more every day. Grandpa it seems has gotten his first computer and is afraid to click delete because the world might fucking end and it’s time to take away grandpa’s license to “internet” I think.

Look, hacking and hackers, even if they hack into the power grid are noting in comparison to an ICBM aimed at a nation state where MILLIONS can die in the blink of an eye John and somewhere in that thick Heinz riddled skull you know this so cut it the fuck out. I know you won’t but I just had to say it before my head exploded from your stupidity. You have committed one of the larger of the deliberate misapprehensions about technology and hacking not to mention espionage that there ever has been.

.. And this derp’s for you.


So we have officially gone to DERPCON 1 now.. Nice… I give up. However, at the very least you have given me an idea for a T-shirt design. You will see me wearing the T-shirt above (sans pecs) at Shmoocon this year. So thanks John, at least I got this crappy T-shirt out of the deal I guess. Others seem to have latched on as well so maybe more will be seen around.

*hangs head… sigh*

I need a drink… MEDIC! BOURBON STAT!


Written by Krypt3ia

2013/01/28 at 21:27

Posted in .gov, CyberDouchery, DERP

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